Either way I'm Palindromos (hannahdustan) wrote in beautyabounds,
Either way I'm Palindromos

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Beauty within the horror

I woke up from a nightmare at 4 this morning. In my nightmare Scott, my husband, had died. I had watched him die right in front of me. Things weren't fantasy and obviously dream-like, instead it was terribly normal and realistic. Our friend Eamon was there too and we cried together and couldn't believe it had happened. We tried to figure out how we could leave but realized that at some point we would have to go get help. I had to call my parents to tell them Scott had died and then I had to go to work, where I found people had begun to leave money on my desk to help pay for the funeral.
I woke up and realized I was laying next to him and grabbed him. I began crying hysterically and was confused on what was real. He hugged me and reminded me that the hug felt more real than the nightmare. I had a hard time falling back to sleep. My mind kept going back to those horrible images.

I'm having a hard time shaking it but here's the beauty part...

As horrible as having that nightmare is, it is a rare relief to feel like you had lost your husband and then get him back. I really felt like he was gone. In the nightmare I was going through all the stages of grief. I cried on and off and wasn't sure how I could go on. I appreciate him in a new way now and know how much it would hurt to lose him.

Perhaps it was my subconscious trying to show me how trivial our spats are and remind me what really matters.

I can't think of anything more beautiful than waking up bawling because you thought you'd lost the person you love most in the world and it turns out you hadn't.
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